Bulletin Board

"Hope in Disappointment"

Disappointment Creates the Opportunity for Hope

Disappointment is sad and lonely. It can take the light and joy out of one day, several days or months. Disappointment separates us from our sense of power.

As adults, knowing that disappointments pass, they still coat our spirit, diminishing the light in all parts of our lives. This feeling of disappointment is overwhelming for children.

Recognizing when our emotion is disappointment is an important emotional skill. When disappointment is accurately identified it is more easily managed, and we are better able to fill the void it creates. Children can be assisted with this skill so that as disappointments arise, they can use their sense of power to influence emotions and behaviors.

Recognizing disappointment requires the acknowledgement of what expectation was not met, or what hope was unfulfilled. To clarify what your child is thinking and feeling you can ask, “What were you expecting to happen?” or “What were you hoping for?” It may be surprising the expectations of a child; it can be equally surprising the expectations of adults!

The next aspect of disappointment is to understand the MEANING the lost hope or failed expectation has for your child. Clarifying the meaning of the disappointment identifies the escalating levels of dire consequences we have assigned to the event or expectation. Usually we are not aware of the meanings we assign to lost hopes and expectations. Questions that can help clarify include: “What upsets you about this?’ or “How do you think things will be different since this didn’t happen?”

The next step is filling the void left from the unmet hope or expectation. It is important not to minimize the impact of the disappointment for the person experiencing it. You can demonstrate empathy with comments like, “This is hard” or “You are right, it is not the same.” Redirect the unhappy thought created by the disappointment with questions like, “Let’s think of some new ideas that would be fun,” or “This creates an opportunity for you to do something different.” Help structure the discussion to create reasonable ideas for the circumstance. Use questions like, “What does your imagination tell you to do now?” or “How can you use you imagination to help with this, my imagination tells me _____?”

When disappointments are larger, when redirecting our thoughts in a positive, constructive direction does not feel possible, we can work with the energy the disappointment brings. Disappointment tends to slow us down, subdue our vitality and creativity. Assist your child by moving them into an expressive activity. This will help release the feelings ushered in with disappointment. Dance and expressive movement of any kind (to include t’ai chi); music, art and writing; any nature pursuit (to include digging, gardening, walking nature trails) are all examples of activities that will help release the disappointment. Informal, spontaneous efforts at these activities are just as effective as an official class.

Combining water with any of the above activities strengthens the effects of the activity. Examples include: painting with watercolors, swimming, walking by moving water, expressive movement using a nature tape that has moving water sounds.

Children acquire a sense of mastery and an increased recognition of their power when the voids created by their disappointment are filled with new experiences that are satisfying. Experience with this emotional skill serves to anchor children. They learn the art of recognizing opportunity, of creating something positive from something unplanned or undesired.

We create the opportunity for hope when we experience disappointment -- hope that new and great things can arise in the void --
hope that we no longer need to limit the way things appear -- and,
hope that the new opportunity creates a more inspired version of our desire.

Grace B. Hubbard MSN, RN, CS • Assistant Clinical Professor • UNC School of Nursing
CB# 7460, Carrington Hall, Chapel Hill, NC 27599 • Phone: (919) 414-8635